The staggering workload of the quarantine-schooling, full time employee mom
If you’re overwhelmed with this quarantine life: I see you. I get it. I’m a mom trapped in a world where I work full time, often 60+ hours per week while I homeschool my kids, do all the cooking, most of the cleaning and laundry, maintain the schedule, tend to the emotional and physical needs of my family…and I still need to find time for a shower every other day. Thanks to sheer exhaustion from doing it all while working from home, my social life was bereft before COVID, so thankfully, that’s one thing that hasn’t taken a hit.
Society tells us that, as women and mothers, we should not be practicing anything that isn’t for someone else.
My life now is not very different from many other working/quarantine-homeschooling parents. However, the reality of quarantine schooling while working full time from home and doing everything that comes with being the stay at home parent has been my life off and on for the past decade. I have always been the primary parent. I’m the one the kids come to if they are hurt or need a hug, or if they need help. Pre- and post-COVID, I was and will always be the Master of the Calendar, so it’s solely my responsibility to ensure my kids see the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, therapist, optometrist, and anyone else medically necessary.
I do the grocery shopping and meal planning. The cooking? Oh, that’s me, too — I make sure healthy, decent meals are offered at least three times a day. I have to make sure ingredients are used in a timely fashion, and repurpose leftovers so we aren’t wasteful. I work diligently to introduce my family to new dishes, flavors, and encourage them to allow their palates to expand.
With the cooking comes the cleaning. Dishes, floors, counters, cabinets, refrigerator, freezer, deep freezer…they all need to be cleaned, organized, and maintained regularly. I’m pretty grateful I decided to invest in a robot vacuum years ago — my late brother named the vacuum AnalDanger on the app to control it, and AnalDanger has saved my sanity more times than I can count. I wish I had a robot for laundry, too. Laundry is a monster for my family as it is many others; with five kids and three adults plus a home daycare, we accumulate quite a bit that has to be handled daily. Also cleaned daily are the bathrooms. They have to be picked up and wiped down regularly. I have the kids on board with this, but I still need to check their work and offer constructive criticism.
Many days I realize that I haven’t had any water, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t even finished a complete thought because I was so overrun by children and responsibilities that the simplest acts of self-care felt impossible. I cared for the children, I fed them well, I nourished their bodies and minds and hearts, but I completely neglected myself in the process.
I’m the sole educator for my children. I don’t have a public school teacher sending lessons for me to ensure my kids complete. I don’t have guidance aside from the state requiring a letter of intent to homeschool. I am on my own when it comes to choosing curricula for my children. For me, this means I’m working year-round to determine what my kids need next based on what they have mastered. Advancing to the next grade level is based on mastery in our homeschool, not age. So, a child may do fourth-grade math one year and still have another semester of fourth-grade math the following school year, but be in fifth grade for other subjects at the same time. I have to track this, too. The state can audit us, and I’m required to have a portfolio (with no guidance on what that portfolio should contain, aside from “examples of best work”).
Will the world remember what it’s like to be at home, 24/7 without a break, or a chance to go to the bathroom alone, or will everything go back to “normal”? I feel so much solidarity right now, and I hope that continues after quarantine ends.
Speaking of work, I also work full time, running a Montessori daycare from home. I care for three children plus my granddaughter and niece. My sister-in-law and her two children moved in earlier this year when my brother was killed, so this puts us at a total of 10 children, and a variety of ages: one pre-teen, two boys, 8 and 6, and seven kids age 4 and under.
Then, there’s all the other stuff, the little stuff: we have a few dozen vegetable plants I care for, three cats, veterinarian care when needed, car maintenance, managing finances, arranging appointments, and all the other little things that seem so insignificant until you don’t do them, like changing air filters for the HVAC unit.
My day begins by 6:30am, waking to check emails, the weather, double-checking my meal planning on Google Calendar so I’ll know what needs to be moved from the freezer to the refrigerator for dinner and meal prep. Around 7, it’s coffee time and my husband leaves for work. He isn’t a morning person and I’m busy anyway, so we don’t spend time together in the morning. Many would be unhappy with this, but it’s perfectly fine for us. That time is my only alone time for over 12 hours so that 30 minutes need to be uninterrupted. During this time, I tell myself almost daily that, today, I’ll communicate effectively and promptly with my partner and friends. Yeah…this is still a goal I’ve yet to achieve.
My younger nephew is up by 6:30, but my kids are up for the day at 7:45 am, and let me tell you — my kids are never late, except the pre-teen. The little kids have an Okay to Wake clock, so they know precisely when it’s time to get up. My daycare children arrive between 8 and 9:30, so their care is factored into the school day. Throughout the day, I play, talk, sing, dance, interact, teach, guide, and learn from all the children. I have accountability to the parents who have entrusted me with the care of their children…yeah, no pressure. Slowly, breakfast is poured and spooned into all the children (painfully slowly, sometimes) so we can begin school at 9am. At some point, I have to wake the pre-teen, as usual. From 9–11, we work on various subjects and interests. Lunch and free time take over until around 12:30, when nap time is scheduled for the younger kids. My kids cherish this time as it’s guaranteed uninterrupted video game time, the only block they have of the day. I don’t get a break during the two-hour naptime, though. At least one of the napping kids will wake and need me, and typically, others will wake as soon as one falls back to sleep. After naptime is over between 2:30 and 3, it’s time to eat — again. We finish any schoolwork not completed earlier, and then get ready for dinner. My daycare kids usually leave by 6. Another meal to start at 5:30. Whole-house pickup, an all-hands-on-deck affair, happens at exactly 6:30 after dinner. Bedtime is 7:30, so snacks, brushing of teething, bathing of bodies…this all has to happen in the last hour before bed.
And then…I collapse.
No, really. I do. Straight into bed, exhausted from the day, gravity takes over.
I’m sure you know what it’s like to do all of it and feel this way, too.
The feeling of being everything and doing it all is so exhausting and mind-numbing. Many days I realize that I haven’t had any water, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t even finished a complete thought because I was so overrun by children and responsibilities that the simplest acts of self-care felt impossible. I cared for the children, I fed them well, I nourished their bodies and minds and hearts, but I completely neglected myself in the process.
Even though it sounds like I’m complaining and I’m the only person doing anything, that’s actually not the case. There is just so much to do that this is what lands on my plate. I am the one at home who can do this. I can multitask, track many things in my mind, remember mundane details that will come in handy. The other adults in my life do their share, for sure. But sometimes, life is really lonely, especially quarantine life. I often feel like I’m the only person who is doing all of this and trying to balance it. And, until COVID, even my closest friends didn’t quite understand how difficult truly “doing it all” was. Some have gotten clued in since they’ve been at home, working, quarantine schooling their kids, and there aren’t nannies and housekeepers around. Not-so-secretly, I wonder what will happen when COVID is over. Will the world remember what it’s like to be at home, 24/7 without a break, or a chance to go to the bathroom alone, or will everything go back to “normal”? I feel so much solidarity right now, and I hope that continues after quarantine ends.
I’m working, now, to state my needs. To speak up for me and be my own advocate. I have an almost teenager who is afraid to ask for what she wants and needs, so I have to set an example for her. After a lifetime of understanding that women and children are to be seen and not heard, this is a complex issue for me. I had a long talk with myself last week about self-care and what that looks like. I’m sure it’s obvious that self-care isn’t built into my day, since basic needs aren’t even always met. This is a habitual issue I’ve been fighting my entire life and now, at 33 years old, it’s time to fight to win.
I am so tired by the end of the day, for sure. I miss connecting with myself since I spend so much time connecting with others. I’m often far too exhausted in every possible way to do anything besides fall asleep straight away, but I’ve learned to enjoy that. I am content falling asleep at 9pm. I wake up rested and feel better. I’ve permitted myself to rest. This sounds trivial, but it’s been really difficult for me. Learning to listen to my body and giving it what it needs without letting FOMO (fear of missing out) take over has changed my life. Yes, I’d like to watch a movie or read a book, but I feel like I need sleep and rest and to recharge, so I schedule that movie or reading time for another day. This means learning boundaries and saying no, including saying no to myself. Setting limits on my time and how it can and will be used has made a huge difference. All day long, my mind and abilities are used by others and to help others. So much of that is non-negotiable; as a parent, it’s my responsibility to guide my children, and as a homeschooling parent, I’m responsible for teaching them as well. I had to come to terms with accepting my ability to say no to things that are less necessary or beneficial. I have small goals, like showering every other day, or remembering to take Zoloft daily as prescribed. Next week, I’ll begin to include adequate water consumption, and eating regular meals.
When I began this journey as a work-at-home, homeschooling mom, I knew I needed to have boundaries. I have never had good ones or even any at all, at times, so this has been a challenge. Choosing to have boundaries meant choosing me, and that means someone else won’t be chosen. What kind of a woman does this? As I’ve heard for years, “Get down off that cross.” I have to allow myself to choose me, too. I spend all day every day choosing others and neglecting me, so I have to achieve balance. Society tells us that, as women and mothers, we should not be practicing anything that isn’t for someone else. As someone who prefers rules and enjoys doing what’s expected, this is very comfortable for me, to a degree. When I realized my kids see that and see me not taking care of myself, I knew something had to change. That’s where the fearless defiance comes in: ignore society. Do what you need to do for your health, happiness, and success — whatever that looks like for you. You are your advocate, and no one else can or will be this for you. Speak up, state your needs, stand by your requests and demands. Self-care sometimes just means caring for yourself. It doesn’t have to look like pedicures and face masks. For me, self-care was as simple as giving myself permission to rest when needed.
Quarantine schooling, working from home, running the household, and being a person are all very complicated tasks and when they’re all combined, it’s easy to feel and allow myself to become overwhelmed. Recognizing I was overwhelmed and that only I had the power to prevent my life from becoming a forest fire was incredibly empowering and equally terrifying. I have a choice! But — oh no, I have the choice. I have to make the choice and choose difficult things. But I’ve done difficult things before. I can do this. I can choose myself. I can teach my children to choose themselves when needed, too.
There are days when I slip up and don’t eat breakfast or agree to something I later regret. That’s part of the process and I’m always pleased when I recognize I’m not doing what I want to, because recognizing the pattern helps me to break that pattern. This shortcoming is actually an opportunity for improvement, which helps with my target objective: working and progressing. I don’t have a magic formula or all the answers, but choosing myself, advocating for myself, and defying society has been one of the most inspiring and empowering processes I’ve witnessed.
I am a beautiful work in progress, which is precisely my goal.
